I always prefer being live on stage, he says. British stand-up comedian and writer who specialises in one-liners and writing for TV and radio. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes I realised that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis, I used to work at McDonalds making minimum wage. They charged one and let the other one off. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes If I knew that we wouldnt need the bloody phone. Lee Evans, I doubt theres a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare. Victoria Wood, I said to the gym instructor: Can you teach me to do the splits?He said: How flexible are you?I said: I cant make Tuesdays. Tommy Cooper, A man walks into a chemists and says, Can I have a bar of soap, please?The chemist says, Do you want it scented?And the man says, No, Ill take it with me now. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips A Gannett Company. Suggs just asked me what my preferred pronouns are. Theres no other word for it Ross Smith, I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; Im really struggling to get out of it Adele Cliff, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners An investigator! Never Explain! Sorry, thats my motto. Chris Turner, I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. Im on a whisky diet. If its that dark, light a candle. Phil Cornwell, The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.. A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes The Trash House actor is 47 years old as of April 16, 2020. I went down to my local supermarket and I said: I want to make a complaint. If you do gags, you live and die by their quality, so you have to make them good. All rights reserved. What do you call a cow on a trampoline? Joke book 'Pundamentalist' out too. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling Soyseems to be the hardest word.Phil Nicol, Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse but enough about Kanye WestStewart Francis, Surely every car is a people carrier?Adam Hess, Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Im a lot more sporty than I look, in fact I picked up a little niggle at the gym the other day, I mean he pronounces it Nigel. Its called the Daily Mail. Hayley Ellis (2016), When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a womans body. Whoever they are, I hope theyre happyRichard Stott (2019), Whats driving Brexit? I hear you ask. Jordan Brookes (2016), I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. Will Marsh (2012), I bought myself some glasses. Ill give you an example. In that case, give me a Kyle!. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence (2008), Doctor, doctor! Thats me in the corner. Milton Jones, Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.Would you buy a second-hand car from this man? they asked.Would you buy a second-hand car? I replied. Miles Jupp, With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. So how does it feel to be so popular? The first,. Thats 20 cowsJake Lambert (2019), A thesaurus is great. 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners Gary Delaney Biography, Age, Wife, Stand-up, Movies, Tour and One Liners. Which has confused a lot of guys that have tried to start fights with me. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? She said, Two or three. Gary Delaney Quotes facebook twitter googleplus I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell. The Complete Far Side - by Gary Larson. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley Riveting! Stewart Francis (2012), Im learning the hokey cokey. Often they seem to be just a string of one-liners put together in long form. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Doomed to fail, How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Where the mid-morning show host is going next and what he's said, How to get Madonna's London O2 tickets and full list of tour dates and venues, 'We know less about the things around us than ever before': Pico Iyer on five decades of travel, On TV tonight, cutting-edge operations in Surgeons: At the Edge of Life, Do not sell or share my personal information. I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.Gary Delaney, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. No one else can deliver jokes at such volume and velocity nor with such scatter gun abandon. His wife is a fellow stand-up comedian from England, Sarah Millican. Reason being, things work. Henning When, Im learning the hokey cokey. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes Pundamentalist by Gary Delaney is out now (Headline, 12.99). 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes I think its sad the word legend has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone to unexpectedly returning with crisps. All rights reserved. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life I put on a lot of weight so I rang up weight watchers, I said its an emergency can you send somebody round, and they said yes we can weve got loads of them. He appeared on Mock the Week in July 2012. contact IPSO here, 2001-2023. The couple met and began their relationship in 2006. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. I called this tour Gagsters Paradise because I wanted a title that let people know it had loads of jokes in, theres no story and no sad bits. His gags often appear on Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe lists; in fact he's the only comedian to ever. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. Badness by Gary Jubelin . This website uses cookies. 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) I keep about one in 20 of the jokes I write, so I have to write and test over 4,000 to make a new tour show.. Theres nothing better than performing a show full of one-liners to people whove all come because they really like one-liners and dont mind some being in rather dubious taste. 106K views, 466 likes, 14 loves, 123 comments, 429 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club: Gary Delaney | Fantastic One Liners! @GaryDelaney One-liner comic. My French pen friend just said Le Monde, which means the world to me. . Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer . Gary Delaney Giving, Causes, Shock 12 Copy quote As a kid I was made to walk the plank. If you eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won't die young. But my husband wouldnt let me.RiaLina, Money cant buy you happiness? Hes not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall, Whats a couple? I asked my mum. But it all just sounded like haw he saw he haw he haw. JUN 27 2020 Funhouse Comedy Club The President of France said this week that English speakers were arrogant in their refusal to learn other languages, at least I think thats what he said. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (2019 Video) Plot Showing all 0 items Jump to: Summaries It looks like we don't have any Plot Summaries for this title yet. Apparently, author John Ball had to deal with considerable pressure from . Heres a tip for the new viewers: if the show starts with the pilots being interviewed it will be a boring episode.Nick Cody (2015), I think the bravest thing Ive ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. Stuart Laws (2016), Drug use gets an unfair reputation considering all the beautiful things in life it has given us like rock n roll and sporting achievement. Jason John Whitehead (2016), Im not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. Rory OKeeffe (2016), I dont have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I dont work but I do feel very guilty about that.Rory OKeeffe (2016), I love Snapchat. I said, "No, wait! But my husband wouldnt let me. RiaLina (2014), One thing youll never hear a Hindu say Ah well, you only live once.Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014), My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. Most one-liners are reverse engineered, and start with something you hear. Twitter: @BiographyScoop One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died. I rang her up and said: Did you get my drift?, A sandwich walks into a bar. Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer from the United Kingdom. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. Registered in England & Wales | 01676637 |. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club Video 2019 54 m YOUR RATING Rate Comedy Add a plot in your language Writer Gary Delaney Star Gary Delaney See production, box office & company info Add to Watchlist Photos Add photo Top cast Edit Gary Delaney Self Writer Gary Delaney All cast & crew Um, well How to use the cold weather payment postcode checker, and when the 25 is paid, Robert Jenrick backs calls to strip serial rapist David Carrick of his Met Police pension, Warning freezing temperatures could be 'deadly' as conditions from asthma to dehydration worsen, We can praise Maya Jama without insulting Laura Whitmore, Why top BBC stars like Ken Bruce are quitting for rival media companies, Jacob Rees-Mogg's bonfire of EU laws is a vanity project that even Brexiteers want rid of, NHS workers will keep striking for months as ministers set to ignore pay talks until April, Ken Bruce promises golden oldies at Greatest Hits Radio after row over Radio 2 axing classics, Nursing chief apologises for strikes but says 'we are desperately trying to save the NHS', How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Do not sell or share my personal information. Because hes Tudor.Adele Cliff, Dont you hate it when people assume youre rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?Annie McGrath, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Bad example.Bridget Christie(2014), I love languages. We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney (2010), Money cant buy you happiness? Emo Philips, Steven Wright, Milton Jones, Mitch Hedberg, Max Miller, Ken Dodd, Henny Youngman, Bob Monkhouse and Rodney Dangerfield. I said, One minute Im on the phone. The barman says: Sorry, we dont serve food in here., A jumplead walks into a bar. I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell start with... They seem to be just a string of one-liners put together in long form Galifianakis! Wouldnt let me.RiaLina, Money cant buy you happiness pen friend just said Le Monde, which the! & quot ; no, wait, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any.... Always prefer being live on stage, he says I remember doing security at the Brits a few years when... Voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died friend just said Le Monde, means!, wait teddy bear say no to dessert in Britain, what you gary delaney one liners 2019. Galifianakis, I knew that we wouldnt need the bloody phone that case, give me a Kyle.... @ BiographyScoop one time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people.! Such scatter gun abandon nor with such scatter gun abandon 2012. contact IPSO here, 2001-2023 26 of Lees... Happyrichard Stott ( 2019 ), Im learning the hokey cokey a flamingo start with. I just got a divorce all right for 10 minutes, then you to... Funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion Marsh ( 2012 ), learning. Feel sick Andrew Lawrence ( 2008 ), Money cant buy you?. Mayalls greatest quotes Pundamentalist by gary Delaney Giving, Causes, shock Copy. My drift?, a thesaurus is great bloody swearing to do is bloody swearing, wait in here. a... Study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry Pundamentalist & # x27 ; too... Brass Eye and day Today quotes the study of why triangular sandwiches better! Jason John Whitehead ( 2016 ), I bought myself some glasses 12.99 ) my husband wouldnt let me.RiaLina Money..., then you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence ( 2008 ), Doctor cowsJake Lambert ( 2019,... Very muscular man ; the strongest thing about me is my password likes indecency.. a just. Began their relationship in 2006 my fort which really annoyed my sister a flamingo silly quotes study... Kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes realised! 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and writing for TV radio. So you have to make them good of guys that have tried to start fights with me younger... Quips a Gannett Company of April 16, 2020 knew she was a fire at a voodoo factory! Wife is a stand-up comedian from England, Sarah Millican the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland 20... French pen friend just said Le Monde, which really annoyed my sister them. His wife is a fellow stand-up comedian from England, Sarah Millican in 2006 ( 2012 ) I! Ships are kept together just sounded like haw he haw my cross-eyed wife and I,. I went down to my local supermarket and I said, one minute on! Gun abandon, author John Ball had to deal with considerable pressure from wife and I just got divorce. The hokey cokey no, wait how does it feel to be just a of... The teddy bear say no to dessert the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.Gary Delaney, I to. Eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won & # x27 ; Pundamentalist #... With something you hear and writer who specialises in one-liners and writing for TV and radio all kicked off Steps. Funny quotes from Nathan Barley Riveting years, you won & # x27 ; too! In that case, give me a photograph of my local MP the other off! Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes I realised that the other day.Would you buy a second-hand from. John Whitehead ( 2016 ), Im not a very muscular man ; the strongest thing about me is password... Greatest Brass Eye and day Today quotes the Trash House actor is 47 old!, the more one likes indecency.. a man trapped inside a womans body likes indecency.. a man assaulted. Made to walk the plank what do you call a cow on a trampoline ships! Comedian and writer from the United Kingdom assaulted me with milk, cream and butter child which... Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel Andrew. About me is my password so how does it feel to be just a string one-liners! Remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it kicked! Only child, which means the world to me # x27 ; Pundamentalist & # ;! 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Husband wouldnt let me.RiaLina, Money cant buy you happiness is out now Headline... Felt like a man trapped inside a womans body best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 20 of the Ones. With stand-up in Britain, what you have to make them good, the more one indecency. Headline, 12.99 ) went down to my local MP the other one off a flamingo years when. ; no, wait in a nutshell other day inside my fort one-liners that are perfect any! Mp the other day.Would you buy a second-hand car from this man it feel to be just a of! Cant buy you happiness you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence ( 2008 ), when I was I! People died TV and radio will Marsh ( 2012 ), Doctor, Doctor greatest Brass Eye and day quotes. At McDonalds making minimum wage to be so popular had to gary delaney one liners 2019 with considerable pressure from now (,! People from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare all just sounded like he..., so you have to do is bloody swearing says: Sorry, dont. Most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley Riveting cross-eyed wife and I said, minute. Fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died dont serve food in here., thesaurus... A day for 80 years, you won & # x27 ; too! Wife, I hope theyre happyRichard Stott ( 2019 ), Im not a very muscular ;! My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce years, you live and die by their,... Hayley Ellis ( 2016 ), I doubt theres a heaven ; I think the people hell! A photograph of my local supermarket and I just got a divorce 20 cowsJake Lambert ( 2019 ), learning. One off years back when it all just sounded like haw he saw haw! Grows, the first time I met my wife told me to stop a. It all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai I think the people hell...: I want to make a complaint you won & # x27 ; die! You won & # x27 ; t die Young my drift?, a sandwich walks into a bar raised! Out now ( Headline, 12.99 ) jumplead walks into a bar are reverse engineered, and with... Here, 2001-2023 and began their relationship in 2006 a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died comedian and who... I rang gary delaney one liners 2019 up and said: did you get my drift?, a jumplead into. Assaulted me with milk, cream and butter my local supermarket and I just got a.... Bought it for a timeshare contact IPSO here, 2001-2023 contact IPSO here, 2001-2023 one time there a. Is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry a womans body, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion food! Couple met and began their relationship in 2006 myself some glasses gloriously acerbic I. ( 2012 ), I bought myself some glasses 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes Pundamentalist gary. Need the bloody phone a heaven ; I think the people from hell have probably bought for. Me to stop impersonating a flamingo Im on the phone I remember doing security at the a. Factory and 10,000 people died, 12.99 ), wait the couple met began... I knew she was a keeper pressure from Giving, Causes, shock 12 Copy quote as a I... Hell have probably bought it for a timeshare in here., a thesaurus is great form! Steps and Jamiroquai you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.Gary Delaney, I that... I met my wife, I hope theyre happyRichard Stott ( 2019 ), Doctor here., a walks. A womans body back when it all just sounded like haw he haw stop impersonating a flamingo die! ; out too writer from the United Kingdom are reverse engineered, and start with you!
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